Thursday, May 27, 2010

Answers #137 & 138 - Dig a well, Fry a Zombie

Question #137:

Should I dig a well?

I keep mentioning this to Adventure Boy. The well-digging proposal, I mean. It just makes sense to me, in light of the rapidly changing world.. er.. situation.

My contention is that water is becoming a premium and will continue to be as such, since greed and avarice seem to be human traits that override many of the worthier traits, and well, won't be leaving the monkey brain anytime soon. So - while everybody else is walking around throwing handfuls of monkey poo, in the form of right-veering or left-veering poo, screaming about the Constitutionality of greed and avarice as basic American (I mean Corporate Personhood) Rights! and as the last tree is turned into a surfboard for some boy billionaire, I'll have a well. And a shotgun.

My contention, further, is that when all of the poison that the Corporate Personhooders have dumped into the ground (of course well within their legal and constitutional rights) finally hits critical mass and leaches into all of the ground water and food supply, it's entirely possible that some folks will become zombies.

Which leads me to my next Question #138:

Should I build an electric fence?

Zombies are notoriously slow-witted and singularly-focused. I've considered this.  They're always walking into electric fences and frying themselves in big bursts of light and AAARRRUUUUUGGGHHHHHHs.

On the other hand, there's the guy who's developed the first synthetic dna strand (dubbed 'Synthia.It's true). He could turn his attention to the zombie problem, and basically just develop gigantic vats of synthetic brains, which could then be distributed to the zombies by whatever Nat'l Guardspeople aren't fighting for those last few precious drops of oil that aren't in the Gulf of Mexico at the time, and thus keeping the zombies satiated and the non-zombies less frazzled.

However, should the synthetic brain vats be too long in coming, the electric fence would come in handy. And better yet, I have my neighbors.  They all have shotguns and axes. I live at the top of the hill, and all along the way down it are the first, second and third lines of defense. These are people who've lived on the land and in the country for generations. Zombies will not make it past the stop sign a mile below.

I also have a gun. I know, for those of you who aren't Corporate Personhooders, this is appalling. But, well, I live in the country and I have a .22. Yes, I could kill a squirrel (not that I would, unless of course his furry little tail would make a fetching bracelet!), and if I hit it just exactly right, I could maybe slow down a zombie.  Mostly, I just kill cans.

And not very easily.  Cans are wily.  Especially if you have crap aim and undiagnosed issues.

But, well, guns and issues aside, I think you can see that the answers are clear.

So, if you need a cool drink down the road a ways, and you can prove you're not a zombie, give me a call.  
I'll power down the fence.


  1. Just remember that it's your Republican friends who will vigilantly guard your right to have that .22 with which you're shooting zombies and not squirrels.

  2. Since Westinghouse was dumping PCB's all around Monroe county for years, infecting and affecting the groundwater, I'd have the well water checked out thoroughly. Also: You life at the Top of a hill? Any ideas as to how far you'd have to drill?
    I was playing the video game "Stubbs the zombie" last night and Stubbs can jump real high and toss his organs like a grenade, his arm can be thrown so as to get things and possess people... You might need a higher fence than you think...


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